Jokes

Sac-Religious

'Dear Santa Claus,  . . Love Barbie'

Barbie's letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out each year by playing the perfect Christmas present, wearing skipping bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from fake tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, Santa, but IT'S PAYBACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it!)

So, here's my holiday wish list :

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, over sized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what if feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably cotton. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD the underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm going have to suffer with him, at least make him anatomically correct!

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get the job done.

6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't do it for me anymore. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising exec!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe, "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun and with a fake fur coat and handcuffs' or a "Stop Smoking Barbie" with a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of cigarettes.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements! The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 yrs-I think I deserve it!

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contributions to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.

If you disagree, you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas! Simple!

Yours truly,

Barbie.

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